Alicia kim's blog

I’m not the person who would truly tell my actual feelings to just anyone, especially when it comes to telling something personal such as my feelings that day. I would usually act like I’m fine and be my always happy and uplifted self. But, truly, I wasn’t, I wasn’t truly like that in my heart. I pretended to be fine for many and many years, not noticing that it was easier to say that I’m fine and pretend, then approach them with my true feelings and thoughts. Whenever anyone would ask me if I’m okay, if I’m fine, or if I’m doing well, I would always use my fast reflexes to answer “I’m fine”. I would only be sharing my answer if I feel comfortable with them or if it’s something that I have to get out of my chest or else, I would burst. It was when I realized that it became a habit of saying “I’m fine.” When I realized this fact, I started to ponder why I’d made it into a habit. At first, I didn’t understand why I had to hide the fact that I was not fine. I realized that I, personally, didn’t want anyone to know my private and personal feelings, but mainly, because I want to hide the fact that I’m not fine. I knew that everyone has hardships and challenges in their life and I would feel like I was complaining if everytime I would reply I’m not fine. Because I realized this, I kept doing it, although I had no benefit. I didn’t want to show others my true feelings and wanted to keep them hidden and filled in my heart. 

Sometimes, the easiest answer to a question, “Are you ok?” is to say “I’m fine” than anything else in the whole world. This had happened most too commonly. They would read the room and refuse to be open with their true feelings, or they don’t want anyone else to know their true emotions they are struggling with because they don’t want to be a burden to somebody or they don’t want to be criticized for their emotions. 

Personally, I remember when I first started to say “I’m fine”. I was 8, and was first exposed to the real world. After falling down, my friends came over to ask if I was ok. I started to blush, as my cheeks and ears grew more red. I put down my head and tried so hard not to make eye contact since I was so embarrassed and was worried that they would laugh. 

However, as I grew older, it escalated to something other than just embarrassment. It would be hiding my feelings because it would sound like complaints, thinking that I shouldn’t put more burden on anyone else with my feelings and emotions. I’ve thought carefully about whether indecisiveness is coming from, and realized that it’s from the notion that we need to protect our privacy from societal pressure, and the possibility of facing  what your heart thinks when they ask ‘Why?’.

That’s when I realized that I started to repeat “I’m fine”, almost every time. One of my teachers who was chill but goofy in his humorous ways helped me recognize this truth. One day, he asked me if I was doing ok, when I visited his room because I was on break. Whenever someone asks me “how are you?” I began to say “I’m fine” more than any other responses such as “I’m good” or “I’m not doing ok.” As always, I answered “I’m fine”, almost involuntarily. However, it was different this time. Everytime I say “I’m fine,” everyone just shrugs and says, “Ok, then.” or “Why?” But he asked me again, “How are you fine?”, in a joking manner. I then started thinking, thinking about how I am fine.  I didn’t have a huge thing going on and besides, I didn’t really want to make myself seem transparent. So, I just replied, “Well, I’m okay, I’m good.” Although this incident wasn’t a big interaction,  it got me thinking about why I automatically blurt out the answer every time. 

Now, as I carefully ponder about this matter, the truth is that it’s easier and simpler to hide what’s actually wrong. It takes you less effort to hide your true feelings, thinking that this is for the good of the world. Sometimes, you are too tired to explain your feelings to anyone, and would just rather keep it to yourself. 

Even after reflecting, I still repeat “I’m fine,” more than I probably remember, but I have to admit; it is the truth. And every once in a while, I even recognize others saying it, too. But, I don’t really say anything because I know their times of struggles. There would be a definite reason to why they aren’t sharing it, although most likely because they care about how others see themselves. And of course, I let others hear it as well, because I most definitely acknowledge the hardship of letting this first response go away. But for now, it is real enough to be our answer.