Alicia kim's blog

Carnegie Hall in New York City, June 14, 2025

Concerto in E minor, Op.64, 3rd. by F. Mendelssohn

Staring at the booklet, I was looking at the orders of the performances. I was waiting for my turn in the backstage. I was not nervous, surprisingly, although I knew I would tense up later. I was called to go to a room to do a final practice with my piano accompaniment right before the performance. I was scared that I would mess up what I have practiced and was afraid that I was not fully ready for the performance. I ran through the entire selected piece once and she and I were both surprised. I played without hesitation and a single mistake. I thanked her and went back to my seat in the backstage. I was anxiously waiting for my turn until I was called on to go sit on the chairs right behind the doors of the spotlight. I wanted to rattle my legs because it was my habit when I am anxious but since there were other people next to me, I could not dare to do it. After the person in front of me entered the majestic stage through the door, I scooted over to the chair right in front of the door. Now, I was nervous. I started to practice my fingerings and that was when I knew that I was hopeless. I kept messing up my fingerings for each notes that I was going to play and I could not remember most of them. This was when I started doing my breathing exercise to help lower my heartbeats back to normal, although this did not help me be calm a bit. I stopped before I went in and clenched my eyes and started praying that I would not mess up and play like I have many times before. The man who ran the stage lights called me up next to wait in front of the door. I stood up with my piano accompaniment and stood right in front of the door. I could hear the applause of the previous person and then it was me. That was when I started shaking. My whole body was trembling especially my hands and feet. I tried to shake it off but I failed. The door opened and I stepped my first foot on the stage. I kept walking until I went a bit past the flower that indicated the middle of the stage. I was twitching and shuttering with nervousness. I did not wanted to make eye contacts with anyone because I knew I was going to be embarrassed. The only thing I wanted to do was find my family and see their face to gain a bit of consciousness before I started playing but I could not find them either. That was when my hand started to twitch more than it had before. Reluctantly and nervously, I put my violin into position and gave a short deep breath and a bow lift to signal the start of my four minute performance. I wanted to play without thinking, as if I was in blank state of mind. As I started the beginning of my performance, my hands started to gradually tremble more and more. I could hear my heartbeats so loud that I thought it could be heard through the performance. When I finally reached the middle section of my performance, I started rushing myself, desperately wanting to finish this worst five minutes of my life. As I got to the later part of my performance, the twitchings got the better of me; the bow meddled with the ups and downs. My legs and feet also started flinching and shuttering as I got to the hard sections of the piece. Never have I twitched so much in my entire life. By the time I passed the middle section, I started making mistakes towards the end. When I made a mistake and couldn’t catch on, I started panicking. My brain was completely blank and I couldn’t even remember what I was trying to play. I was so ashamed of myself right then and there. In front of about hundred people, I was making a mistake that felt like it lasted for about an eternity when it really lasted for about three to five seconds. The mental toll the three second mistake brought was indescribable. My heart was racing as if it was sprinting to the ends of the world and my legs, hands, and feet were twitching uncontrollably. As I got to the part where there were only sixteenth-notes, I was able to catch on the melody, thankfully. I started rushing myself and this was where my brain yelled at me to finish it. I started rushing especially at the last four to five lines of the performance since I was aware that the performance was coming to an end. I finished strong with my grand finale, remembering what my violin teacher had told me, “The start and the end has to be strong, no matter how bad the performance was overall.” After I took my bow and violin down, I couldn’t help but feel embarrassed. I did my awkward bow and hurried to the backstage. I lifted my hand to see how much it was shaking. I was shocked how it was shaking so visibly. I was surprised that I was able to even play with this much shaking. I couldn’t help but wonder what the audiences would rate my performance. I quickly shaked my head since I knew what I should be thinking of instead. This experience had brought me not only the first solo performance on stage in one of the most famous music halls in the world, but also many insights. Through this magical yet nerve-wrecking experience, it showed the practice and effort that has to be constantly put into everything. The five minutes on stage showed me that even if you are prepared, you don’t know what

Even though this experience might have been the worst five minutes of my life, I was able to finish what I’ve practiced for a long time. This stage signaled the startline of the race all over again, helping me starting another music chapter in my life.